Hitlerstrike!: A Harry Situation
by Jernonny
Summary: Harry Potter faces the Fuhrer, in the most powerful story alive.
1. Chapter 1: Evil Begins!

Chapter 1: Evil Begins!

A long time ago, once in the 1940s, also in Germany also, there was an evil secluded figure that was bad and mean and was kicking a Jewish person right in the face. You would be surprised to know that the evil figure was in fact none other than the likes of ADOLF FREAKING HITLER. He was so bad that his mother hated him really badly. He was also bored.

"I sure am bored because I am evil and I hate the Jewish race so much" yelled Hitler evilly.

"Aaaaaauuugghh" replied the dying Jewish guy. Hitler stopped for a moment to enjoy his misery, and then replied.

"You are right! I should totally take away the personal freedoms of those weaker than myself!" he bellowed with lots of evil.

"Lackey! Bring me my map!" evil Hitler continued evilly. In came his Lackey, who was sad and oppressed but also evil too because he helps Hitler.

"Here you are Mr. Hitler," the Lackey said with intense regret and sadness, "I am depressed." He handed over the solid lead map—it was made of lead so that the Lackey would suffer more when he carried it—over to Hitler who could lift it easily because sadness made him strong.

"Which of these do you think is the happiest place for me to ruin, Lackey?" yelled Adolf Hitler, who was evil. Hitler's Lackey stayed quiet, because he was also a little bit good when he wasn't evil and didn't want Hitler to have any more stuff. But Hitler was too strong and evil and read the Lackeys mind with the power of evil.

Yelling evilly, Hitler screamed "Yes! I will take over Hogwarts and burn the children and rape the teachers and abuse the animals and tear down the walls and teach the burnt children the ways of evil." To celebrate his plan, Hitler then resumed kicking the Jewish guy until he died because Hitler is an evil jerk, but then he also kicked him some more because the only thing eviller than Hitler is Hitler.

"But Hogwarts is protected by a bunch of hardcore wizards that shoot fire and bombs from their wands!" intoned the Lackey with extreme fear. Hitler then pat the Lackey on the head and said,

"Ha ha ha… that is why you are the Lackey and I am the Hitler my dear, stupid Lackey," Hitler yelled quietly, "It is time that I revealed my deep, dark secret past, but first we need to go to my "telling people I used to be a wizard" room."

Hitler and his Lackey then traveled down the dark and terrible corridors of "Hitler's Nazi Castle of Nasty Nazi-ness™". The entire way, Hitler signed autographs for other evil people and gave high-fives to all of the lawyers.

"WAIT!" Hitler evilly yelled evilly. There was a bag of puppies lying in one of the corridors, so Hitler took out his handgun and shot it until it stopped moving. "The coast is clear."

Hitler then went to a bowl with a drain in the bottom and barfed pure Nazi into it. This activated an evil detector that triggered a door to open, revealing… twenty miles of wizard stuff!

The Lackey gasped so hard that he lost another leg. Hitler merely smiled evilly.

"This is the true identity that I have been hiding from the people who do not know who I am!" he yelled, "I will explain my past to you over lunch." Lunch was served three hours later and consisted of aborted baby unicorn meat and a side of slave grown cotton. Hitler ate very grotesquely, and had a sauce prepared from Jewish rabbi blood.

"There isn't quite enough salt on this meat," yelled Hitler, who then stomped on his Lackey's feet so that the Lackey cried onto his plate, "…that'll do."

Hitler then violently slammed a pure black box onto the table with enough force to crack it and yelled, "This was my wand when I was a child!" Inside was a pure black wand that was also a gun too, covered in swastikas. "Let me see if I still know how to use this thing after all of these years."

He pointed the wand at some priceless artwork, and yelled "Der HeinzenHaag BlitzerWassail!" Sinister green flames blasted from the wand and incinerated the paintings, if you listened closely, you could hear the Jews screaming. Radiation bathed the room in unholy light, and gave the Lackey cancer, but also chemotherapy so he was O.K., until he got cancer again.

"!" exclaimed the Lackey.

"That is merely the beginning of my plan to take over Hogwarts!" bellowed Hitler angrily. He pointed the wand at a wall and evilly yelled, "DAS FUHRER DINE GUTENTAG!" This caused the wall to open up, revealing a fully-loaded werewolf!

The werewolf smashed a thing and then said, "Lord Hitler, I am ready to eat stuff for you."

Hitler smiled, while nastily shoving a unicorn leg into his nasty dirty Hitler-mouth and yelled, "OK."


	2. Dumbledores and Nasty Snapes

Chapter 2: Dumbledores and Nasty Snapes

Harry, Hermione and Ron were eating magic lunch like they always did at Hogwarts. It consisted of chicken sandwich covered in glitter and a side of chitlins. Ron couldn't partake in this magical meal though, on account of his Jewiosity. He had brought his own lunch of kosher pastrami sandwiches, shmaltzed in kugel, with other nasherai such as lox on top of latke. Adjusting his yamakah, he happily proclaimed, "Mazel tov, my friends!"

Harry and Hermione raised their glasses too, because they accepted his differences, and were not horrible pieces of human garbage like Hitler.

"Have you been keeping up with the war recently?" asked Hermione.

"No Hermione, I've been busy taking care of that Voldemort business," replied Harry, "but I would love to know how the allied powers are spanking Hitler's racist ass as we speak."

"Actually, I've heard that we are having trouble killing all of the Nazis on account of them killing everything first."

"Oy vey, that Hitler guy really needs a plotz!" interjected Ron, scratching his huge nose.

"You said it!" Harry added with a mouthful of glittery sandwich. Just then, Dumbledore, the prestigious headmaster of Hogwarts floated in, stroking his whimsical beard fancifully. He floated above the ground in an amusing and frolicsome manner.

"What would my splendiferous pupils be conversing about on this galuptious day?" Dumbledore shot miniature fireworks from his magical hands for effect, "I was merely drinking liquid cookies carbonated with unicorn giggles."

With the most serious face alive, Hermione responded with, "Killing the goddamn nazis."

With a wizardly grin, Dumbledore shuffled a deck of cards and recited a magical wizard thing. "'Tis quite a magnanimous goal for such a promising young colleen, it is loftier than the time in which I counted to umpteen." Dumbledore presented the cards to Hermione without looking, she picked one and returned it to the deck.

"If nazi iniquity is what we must remunerate; then piece by piece, their society we shall discombobulate!" In a burst of smoke and expensive pyrotechnics, all of the cards magically turned into a flock of doves. The dove that had the nine of diamonds painted on its side landed on Dumbledore's enchanted shoulder.

"Is that your card Hermione?" asked the awestruck Harry.

"I don't usually divulge vital intelligence to potential spies, but yes." Everyone cheered and clapped, and there was much feasting that night. Dumbledore ate so much that he had to go to Kroger to buy another pair of magic pants.

This was not important at the moment, though, because Harry had something important to say.

"I do? Oh, yeah, I do." Harry paused in a moment of intense thought, "My cool guy Harry Potter wizard powers are telling me that something bad is about to happen, and that to stop the bad we must do good so that the bad that is badded is not so bad."

"Sounds kosher, I have the chutzpah to do vaht is needed!" exclaimed happy Ron happily.

"WE MUST ASSEMBLE A SQUAD TO STOP THE NAZIS AND SAVE THE WORLD!" exclaimed Harry while shooting lasers out of his eyes.

"I support this idea with my full brain." Hermione replied, "If only to show those disgusting psychopaths what a real madwoman can do."

"Feh, zeht vasn't so hard."

"Then, we embark to find heroes and champions tomorrow, after classes!" proudly proclaimed Harry. In a puff of magical and awe-inspiring smoke, Dumbledore reappeared.

"If you intend to go on a magical search, then allow me to bestow you with magical enchanted things for you." He handed them a glowing potato sack. "Don't open it. Ever." With that, Dumbledore disappeared for good this time.

Harry was inspired by Dumbledore's fantabulousness, and decided to skip to his next class as a tribute to all of the magic that Dumbledore has!

But the next class was not whimsical and carefree like Dumbledore, it was BAD!

"Hi, I'm Racist Professor Snape" said Racist Professor Snape. He was very racist and wore a dingy suit with aviators and smoked a cigar in everyone's face to give them drug poisoning. He carried a shotgun that had the words "Any darker than the barrel and you get shot" inscribed on the side.

"Today we will be learning how "Uncle Tom's Cabin" is just a piece of sensationalist literature meant to take away my good time. If it weren't for that book, I'd just have my slave teach you nasty little mofos." Everyone in the classroom groaned. Neville threw up.

A wizard kid raised her hand.

"Yes, wizard kid?" sneered Snape.

"Elizabeth Mkapa has been raising her hand for the last twenty minutes." In response, Snape got excited to do the only thing he was good at.

"This is due to the fact of the unfortunate melanin surplus in Elizabeth's skin" Snape said, using science for evil, "She is not like the rest of us, and therefore her questions do not matter. She is not allowed to have ideas on the grounds that white people need to have them first."

Snape then went into a long rant about the importance of eugenics and why it applies to everyone, while Harry whispered to Elizabeth through the cage she was locked in.

"How you doin' homesizzle?" Harry communicated to Elizabeth in her native tongue.

"Considering I'm in a cage, and you just said "homesizzle", my life's just freaking peachy right now. I have no idea why they let that idiot teach anything." Harry stopped for a moment to contemplate what she had said, and then thoughtfully replied.

"Well, if you say everything's peachy, who am I to complain?" Satisfied that he was not a racist, Harry then turned back to the lesson. He swore that he could feel someone staring daggers at him.

Class dragged on. Snape was really on a roll with the racial slurs now, and it was best not to interrupt him while he was hating stuff so hard. By the time the bell rang, Racist Professor Snape had given the entire class his disgusting view on how to be a racist. He just barely noticed the bell.

"It seems the school bell is another liberal piece of garbage. Hopefully I've made you a little bit more racist, because your homework is to commit at least five micro-aggressions over the weekend." When everyone left, Snape then undid his girdle to reveal his disgusting beer gut of racism and flipped on Fox News. He threateningly pointed his gun at the TV every time a person of color showed up on screen. What a jackass. Elizabeth Mkapa decided it would be a much better idea to remain quiet for the rest of the night.


End file.
